Paging Edward Cullen

whats-in-a-nameAh, the period: everyone’s favorite nuisance. It’s that magical stretch of time every 28 some-odd days where women get to walk around bleeding from between the legs and get called crazy for feeling a type of way about it. Unless we’re otherwise preventing it with a prescription, injection or intrauterine device, we’re pretty much signed up to live through this cycle of suffering for our child-bearing years. Not for a few weeks, not for a few years- we’re talking decades, people!!! If we’re lucky, the bleeding is the worst of it.

For most women though, it isn’t. There are the cramps, the cravings, the mood swings and the back pain. We get fatigued or anemic, we endure headaches and acne and weight gain. There’s the breast tenderness, the water retention, constipation… and let’s not forget: the BLEEDING! And how do we stop this bleeding? Let’s talk about THAT fun.
First we have maxi pads, or grown-woman diapers; depending on thicknesses, they may show through your clothing and they may not particularly work with your panty cut of choice. You can avoid the diaper feel and opt instead for tampons, those bunched up cotton pods with teeny tiny rip-chords that we get to shove up our stuff like little vagina stoppers. No matter the method, the scent or the size, the discomfort level is high and our patience is low. We hope we don’t somehow still find a way to get Toxic Shock Syndrome like our mothers warned us about.

None of this sounds appealing, no matter which way you spin it. It’s painful, it’s messy, it’s ugly, it’s stressful, and for me personally it’s my body’s not-so-gentle reminder that I am a blatant waster of eggs. I however am the type to try to find humor in uncomfortable situations, even the contraction of my uterus to expel unused reproductive matter and the crazy resulting therein. So today I’ll explore some of the ridiculous monikers and descriptions given to this special and precious time. Here we go ladies: forget “menstruation” or “menses.” Thanks to the good people at Google for not letting me down.

• A Visit From Aunt Flow: who doesn’t love a visitor?!!
• The Curse: first heard this one on The Golden Girls. Sounds about right.
• Our Monthly Friend: except my friends don’t scramble up my insides and draw blood.
• Bleeding Out The Hooha: well that one gets right to the point, doesn’t it?
• Dying Vagina Syndrome: I mean, it is bleeding and painful. It’s practically crying for help.
• Riding The Crimson Wave: this makes it sound beautiful and picturesque. Yeah… it’s not.
• Riding The Cotton Pony: I mean I don’t exactly ride my tampons, but…sure!
• Braving The Big Red Bitch: that bitch is pretty bitchy.
• Making Dracula’s Tea Bag: Um, eew.
• The Axe Wound: ouch! Who went there?!
• Black Towel Time: we’ve all been at the gym with those stark white towels and gotten nervous.
• The Bleedies: aw, cute!
• No-Swim Zone: my fifth grade self most definitely stayed out of the pool at camp.
• Fighting The Scarlet Crusade: I am a warrior, aren’t I?
• The Girl Flu: and much like the flu, you just have to ride it out.
• Leak Week: not quite as cool as Shark Week, is it?
• Meanstruation: well, then leave us the hell alone.
• The Pad Straddle: Gross. I just really hate pads.
• Paging Edward Cullen: oh my (btw, have you checked out the Vampire Bait boy briefs on Wibloo?).
• The Red Badge Of Courage: if you’ve been there, you know it takes some balls (or, ovaries?)
• The Ragtime Band Is Playing: oh great, a concert!
• And perhaps my personal favorite: There Are Communists In The Funhouse.

In truth, none of these euphemisms will make your cramps less severe or shorten your bleeding days or reduce your bloating or take away that PMS. This is just a fact of life that needs to be accepted. Still it’s entertaining to poke a little fun at the cycle to try and take the edge off of it. Next time you’ve hit that time of the month, try one of these on for size. It may just give you a good chuckle, and that’s all we can really hope for.

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About This Blogger

Vanessa Diaz

Vanessa Diaz was born and raised in San Diego, California and is a proud alumnus of the University of Southern California. After a decade working for the same company where she interned during her senior year, Vanessa recently left Corporate America behind to pursue her passion for writing. She is an avid reader, wine lover and seeker of beautiful libraries and independent bookstores. She considers herself a feminist and champion for positive female body image. Her blog Buenos Diaz is an expression of everything from her love of travel to her passion for storytelling, her interest in women’s issues and penchant towards humorous social commentary.